Sooo I turned 23 Sunday! It was the usual birthday of me being all sad b/c it's another year gone by that I haven't had a baby and my birthdays always seem to suck. I made out pretty good tho. I got an 8 ft (7ft maybe?) ALL pink fishing pole and flip bell reel from Clark. I loooove it! Now I can go riverfishing! Mom & Dad made me a nice dinner, breakfast, got me a pretty card, and a nice picture frame. Clark's mom & dad got me an awesome Longaberger recipe card basket, and a pretty picture frame that you can put lots of pictures in. Isaiah (my sweet monkey) got me a green apple scented oil scent dispenser thing (with the reeds, dunno wut they're called), and a shirt. I got lots of cards at work and Clark also bought me a t-shirt from Rav. Which I just got in today so I'm super excited to wear it tonight to SnB. If I go. I have full intentions of going but with the way my mood has been today blah I dunno... I don't wanna be a Debbie Downer ya kno?
I'm just in my own self pity mood. I took a test and got a BFN. I took it a few days too early so I'm still somewhat hopeful but still. I'm reading into IUI and all these different injectables since this will be my last month on Clomid and it's just so unbelievable to think I have to have that kind of assistance to do what billions of women have been doing for how many thousands of years on their own? And of course I'm lucky and get messed up. I feel broken. Can't they just fix me? Preferablly a quick fix?
The only thing I've really ever wanted out of life is to be a mother. And to have that one thing taken away (possibly, I'm a pessimist) sucks...
Told you I was bein Debbie...
I'm gonna test again. Don't know when but just incase. I'm sure you'll hear my rant about that when I get another BFN. I'm just glad I have a few wonderful people to catch me when I fall.
Showing posts with label pregnancy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pregnancy. Show all posts
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Am I ever gonna get there?
Considering that I don't work on Saturdays, Clark is at Lucasville, I got my entire apartment clean, and tomorrow is going to be Easter you'd think I would be in a good mood. Well you'd think wrong.
*Warning: TMI coming up*
I woke up to a very disapointing discovery that I started. I was super duper excited for a while b/c even with taking my hormones I hadn't started. I was hopeful and shouldn't have been. So yea... I'm not that happy.
Then while trying to clean every room I find multiple flip flops chewed up behind the couch thanks to devil dog. So not only did I have alot more cleaning then I had anticipated b/c of her, after I got everything clean she somehow managed to hide a piece of paper from me and tore it up all over my clean spotless living room carpet that I vacuumed for like an hour.
Since I started of course I've been having horrendous cramps so I took my pain med as I usually have to with most of my painful cycles. Which, in turn, has made me feel like I'm stoned. Can't feel my fingertips and feels like I'm not breathing and whatever's going on around me isn't really going on type of stoned. So with that being said, this blog may sound out of sorts. I'm not in the best state of mind right now.
So instead of sulking on the couch by myself watching TV I sulked on the couch watching TV while eating an awesome sausage, onion, and looots of cheese omelete.
Looks nasty like dog puke but hit the spot and made me feel better.
Then I FINALLY figured out the tiger stripes on Jaycee's scarf. I ripped it apart 3 times before getting it at least partially right.
This would be my first project using intarsia! I'm just proud that I even understood the directions let alone did them! I'm hoping and praying that it will work out. I want her to have it to show the girls she cheerleads with. So if anyone has any further tips please feel free to share. I'm not sure what kind of backing I'm going to put on it so that's open for discussion.
Oh and if it didn't bum me out enough about not being pregnant, I get on myspace and there's like 5 girls that I went to school with that are pregnant. And most of them are younger then me!
I firmly believe in not questioning God and his decisions for my life, but that in no way means that I can't be angry about it. What is it about me that's so bad that I should'nt produce offspring? Am I cursed? Do I have evil blood or something?
Right now, I'm doing BBT, cervical mucus readings, and charting my cycles along with taking prenatal vitamins, hormones, and Clomid. whew... I'm full of everything that should've gotten me pregnant by now but alas I am not. Part of me wants to just say forget it and let it happen whenever. But I can never keep that thought out of my mind that I want it now.
I've decided that since today was so horrible for me & I didn't go to Lucasville like I wanted, I'm going to spoil myself and go to Wal*Mart to get some new needles and "Breaking Dawn". I downloaded it and started to read it but can't not get the book ya kno?
Here's hoping that tomorrow is better.
*Warning: TMI coming up*
I woke up to a very disapointing discovery that I started. I was super duper excited for a while b/c even with taking my hormones I hadn't started. I was hopeful and shouldn't have been. So yea... I'm not that happy.
Then while trying to clean every room I find multiple flip flops chewed up behind the couch thanks to devil dog. So not only did I have alot more cleaning then I had anticipated b/c of her, after I got everything clean she somehow managed to hide a piece of paper from me and tore it up all over my clean spotless living room carpet that I vacuumed for like an hour.
Since I started of course I've been having horrendous cramps so I took my pain med as I usually have to with most of my painful cycles. Which, in turn, has made me feel like I'm stoned. Can't feel my fingertips and feels like I'm not breathing and whatever's going on around me isn't really going on type of stoned. So with that being said, this blog may sound out of sorts. I'm not in the best state of mind right now.
So instead of sulking on the couch by myself watching TV I sulked on the couch watching TV while eating an awesome sausage, onion, and looots of cheese omelete.
Looks nasty like dog puke but hit the spot and made me feel better.
Then I FINALLY figured out the tiger stripes on Jaycee's scarf. I ripped it apart 3 times before getting it at least partially right.
This would be my first project using intarsia! I'm just proud that I even understood the directions let alone did them! I'm hoping and praying that it will work out. I want her to have it to show the girls she cheerleads with. So if anyone has any further tips please feel free to share. I'm not sure what kind of backing I'm going to put on it so that's open for discussion.
Oh and if it didn't bum me out enough about not being pregnant, I get on myspace and there's like 5 girls that I went to school with that are pregnant. And most of them are younger then me!
I firmly believe in not questioning God and his decisions for my life, but that in no way means that I can't be angry about it. What is it about me that's so bad that I should'nt produce offspring? Am I cursed? Do I have evil blood or something?
Right now, I'm doing BBT, cervical mucus readings, and charting my cycles along with taking prenatal vitamins, hormones, and Clomid. whew... I'm full of everything that should've gotten me pregnant by now but alas I am not. Part of me wants to just say forget it and let it happen whenever. But I can never keep that thought out of my mind that I want it now.
I've decided that since today was so horrible for me & I didn't go to Lucasville like I wanted, I'm going to spoil myself and go to Wal*Mart to get some new needles and "Breaking Dawn". I downloaded it and started to read it but can't not get the book ya kno?
Here's hoping that tomorrow is better.
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